


The Secret Weapon

by TheSovereigntyofReality



Series: Iron Man & Asterix Crossovers [2]
Category: Astérix le Gaulois | Asterix the Gaul & Related Fandoms, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Canon Divergence - Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Gen, Illegal Hacking, Legacies, Not Natasha Friendly, Not Steve Friendly, Not Wanda Friendly, Team Tony, The Town of Indomitable Frenchmen, The Village of Indomitable Gauls, not team Cap friendly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-09
Updated: 2020-06-09
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:15:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24615886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheSovereigntyofReality/pseuds/TheSovereigntyofReality
Summary: Tony gets an interesting phone call.It seems his old teammates were caught - at the gates of an unmapped town in France that has an unusual secret.
Relationships: Bruce Banner & Tony Stark, Friday & Tony Stark, Happy Hogan & Pepper Potts & James "Rhodey" Rhodes & Tony Stark, Thor & Tony Stark, Tony Stark & Avengers Team (background), Tony Stark & OCs, Tony Stark & Stephen Strange
Series: Iron Man & Asterix Crossovers [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1779568
Comments: 98
Kudos: 752





	The Secret Weapon

**Author's Note:**

> **Disclaimer: If you recognise it from somewhere else, it isn't mine.**

Tony was surprised to get a phone call from France.

‘I do beg your pardon, Mr. Stark. This is Agent Voclain of GDSE, France’s international intelligence agency.’

‘Yes. I’ve heard of you.’ Tony frowned. ‘Why would you be calling me though?’

‘The Rogue Avengers have been captured in a small unmapped town in Brittany called Yaudet.’

Tony froze. ‘Captured? By whom?’

‘I’d rather not say over the phone. It’s quite sensitive information. If you could make your way to our Parisian office, we’ll explain in full.’

‘Can you at least tell me what you need me for? I have no authority to arrest or detain anyone.’

‘No, but you do have the technology to suppress Wanda Maximoff’s powers so they can stop knocking her out to keep her from using her powers.’

Tony found himself smirking. The idea that there were people standing over Wanda, knocking her out every time she started to come around gave him a definite feeling of glee. It also suggested enhanced people, which didn’t surprise him. If in America, why not in other countries as well?

Still, she was a human being and that couldn’t be good for her head.

She might go crazier.

‘Also,’ Agent Voclain said, ‘the Black Widow hacked into our systems and accessed some rather sensitive information. We were rather hoping to contract you to...amend our systems.’

Tony scowled at that. ‘I’m on my way. I’ll come in the suit. That’ll cut my trip down to approximately four hours.’

‘Thank you, Mr. Stark. There’ll be someone waiting on the roof for you.’

‘Thank you.’ Tony hung up. ‘FRIDAY, let Pepper, Rhodey, and Happy know where I’m going.’ He walked over and opened a small compartment. Inside, there was a choker that had been very specifically designed. The collar had been imperfect.

So Tony made something better.

‘Of course, Boss. Shall I begin the process of scanning the GDSE’s database for the holes Romanoff got through?’

‘Not quite yet. We’ll wait until I’ve signed an actual contract before we do that.’

‘Of course, boss.’

So, with his new nanite suit, Tony took off for Paris.

When he arrived, sure enough there was someone waiting for him.

‘Welcome to Paris, Mr. Stark.’ The man said, stepping forward to shake his hand. His eyes widened in surprise when the nanites returned to their housing unit and Tony shook the man’s hand. ‘Interesting disassembly method. Would it be intrusive of me to ask what it is?’

‘Nanites,’ Tony said. ‘I’m testing them out.’

The man smiled. ‘Well, how would we ever advance if we didn’t test these things out, no? I am Agent Lacroix. I’ve been instructed to take you to the chopper, where you will join Agent Voclain and the field agents. You’ll be debriefed on the way to Yaudet.’

‘Hm. Where is Yaudet?’ Tony asked. ‘I’ve never heard of it.’

‘It’s a small seaside storage town of only a few thousand people. Not many pass through it as it is rather out of the way, and they have no...tourist trade, I believe you Americans call it. Apart from the locals we employ in our warehouses, the inhabitants survive mostly on farming and fishing.’

‘Then what was Rogers’ interest in the place?’

‘There is one laboratory. Agent Voclain will explain.’ Agent Lacroix opened a door and let Tony walk through.

Tony found himself in a helicopter bay. Most of the men were uniformed, barring a single man in a suit. He immediately saw Tony and walked over. ‘Mr. Stark, thank you for coming on such short notice.’

Tony shook the man’s hand. ‘It seemed to least I could do, given the circumstances. You must be Agent Voclain.’

‘ _Oui_. Do you have it?’

Knowing what he was talking about, Tony pulled the choker out. ‘The collar they put her in turned her powers back on her when she tried to use them. This just makes it like she doesn’t have any powers at all.’ He handed it over.

‘That seems far more humane.’ Agent Voclain took the choker and called one of his men over. He gave him instructions and handed him the choker.

Agent Voclain then ushered him into the helicopter and they were soon lifting up and heading out towards Brittany. He wasted no time explaining. ‘As I told you, the Black Widow accessed our networks and discovered a top secret set of experiments occurring within Yaudet. Before I tell you the details, I must have you sign an NDA.’ He opened his briefcase and pulled out a file in question.

Tony took it and quickly read over it. The chopper ride was smooth so he easily signed the bottom. The NDA had made it clear that the operation going on in Yaudet was top secret because the science being explored was cutting edge and extremely dangerous. Geesh! Romanoff had finally dug a hole she wouldn’t be able to get out of.

Once he signed, Agent Voclain began his explanation. ‘In the 1980s, a Dr. Laurent LaChristie died in a plane crash. He was a leading expert on what was, then, a fringe science. And, still today, many continue to consider as such: time travel. However, after his death, his teenage daughter managed to create a fully-functional time-travel device.’

That shocked Tony. Time travel was, as the agent said, a fringe science. It was considered fiction by most. ‘And you’re sure it works?’

‘Absolutely. She had brought many artefacts back from the past and spent some time hopping around time before it was suggested to her, by a druid in ancient times, that perhaps time-hopping wasn’t a good idea. She was even able to locate the Sphinx’s missing nose. She is fluent in dead languages, where she wasn’t before. This includes Amorican-Gallic, Latin, and Gothic. She can not only write in these languages, but also speak in them – as if she’s learned directly from the source.’

Yeah, all that would suggest genuine time travel. There would be a very big need for secrecy in that case. People would freak out over the idea. ‘And Romanoff accessed this information?’

‘She did.’ Agent Voclain grumbled. ‘LaChristie’s daughter went on to get a doctorate in the same field as he did, as well as majoring in the aforementioned dead languages. The one laboratory in town belongs to her, and is funded by the French government. It is used to conduct experiments in order to learn about how time travel works. What the limitations are and what the repercussions would be. Gina LaChristie was fortunate. At the time she was time hopping she had a preferred time and place where she was unlikely to be recorded.’

‘Why’s that?’ Tony asked.

‘Because she stuck around her own area, in a time when her hometown was a small village consisting of roughly a hundred people – all of which were Gauls.’

FRIDAY piped up in his earpiece. ‘The Gaulish culture was oral-based, boss. Everything we know about them came from the Romans.’

‘Hm.’ Tony could work out the rest. ‘And Rogers heard about this time travel device and went charging after it?’

‘From the looks of it, yes,’ Agent Voclain said. ‘Even though, officially, it does not yet exist. He and his cohort were...subdued outside the town gates before Dr. LaChristie called it in.’

That amused Tony. ‘So, they didn’t even get _into_ the town?’

Agent Voclain smirked. ‘You will find that the people of Yaudet enjoy being attacked. They enjoy it because it gives them an excuse to engage in their favourite pastime. You see, these people enjoy a good punch up. And, judging from the evidence, unlike Rogers, they are very aware of their strength. They’re taught to think like this from a young age.’

It took Tony a moment to absorb that unexpected information. ‘I’m sorry...Everybody’s super-strong there?’

‘ _Oui_.’

‘How?’

‘One of the things the younger Dr. LaChristie discovered when she was a teenager. Yaudet has not been taken over or conquered by anyone in 2000 years because, during the Roman occupation of Gaul, the local druid came upon a formula – far more precise than the one used on Rogers.’

‘It enhanced them, didn’t it?’

‘And, evidently, it was taken orally. It worked for a limited time and allowed the villagers to beat the stuffing out of any and all Roman garrisons that attacked them, even if they were outnumbered one hundred to one.’

Tony nodded as he filled in the blanks. ‘And, given how long the Romans hung around, they would’ve kept on drinking this stuff. Eventually, it mutated into their DNA. So now their descendants are just born like that.’ He let out a low whistle. ‘They must be handfuls to raise.’

Agent Voclain grinned at the remark. ‘I imagine so.’

‘And Romanoff didn’t find mention of this particular...quirk in your systems?’

‘ _No_. Our systems register this...quirk merely as “the Secret Weapon”, “France’s Last Resort”, or “Operation 46”. Out of respect for the Gaulish culture Yaudet found its roots in, it is only explained orally. There is no explanation for them in our systems.’

It amused Tony even more to know that while Romanoff may have found the code names, she’d have had no way of knowing what they’d meant. It was likely to be proper procedure for people to sign NDAs before they learned about Yaudet, as he had to. Tony was actually quite eager to talk to them.

‘Do you have any theories, Mr. Stark, as to what Captain America was trying to achieve today?’

Tony did, actually. ‘I’d say he was after Dr. LaChristie’s time travel device. He hates being here – by here, I mean the 21st century. As far as I can tell, he’s made no effort to acclimatise to the modern world. He has a list of things to learn, but doesn’t seem to have checked anything off. When we spoke about the Accords, he seemed under the impression that the UN was a government.’

Agent Voclain frowned. ‘You suspect he went after the device in order to return to the 1940s?’

‘That’d be my guess.’

‘But he wasn’t there beyond 1945, at the latest, was he?’

‘No.’ Of that, Tony was certain. ‘I’d know if he had been. After he lost Cap, my father let that one loss take over his entire life. He was so obsessed, that I expect, had Rogers been there, my childhood would have looked quite different.’

‘It is not possible that your father simply didn’t know that Rogers was around?’

That would’ve been extremely cruel. Then again, that was in character for Rogers. But what wouldn’t have been? ‘No. Rogers always has to go out and “fight the bad guys”. He’d have never had kept quiet enough for my father not to notice him. Rogers is incapable of doing subtle. For God’s sake, he walks around with the American flag on his ass. I wouldn’t be surprised if we landed and he still has the American flag on his ass.’

‘Well, we’re about to find out.’

The chopper came in for a landing. When Tony stepped out, he noticed that the choker had already been placed around Maximoff’s neck. His former teammates had all been cuffed and were being carried off, all unconscious. Knowing them, they’d probably been ranting so much that the townspeople would’ve knocked them out, just to shut them up.

Tony looked over at the townspeople – a small group of them – lounging about. You’d never know they’d been guarding the most destructive group in the world (and Tony would call that a fair assessment) for what was likely hours. Of all things, they looked bored. They stood around, idly chatting to each other.

‘All of them knocked out?’ Agent Voclain likely only spoke in English as a courtesy to Tony. The others seemed to follow suit.

A particular blonde woman looked over with an amused smile. ‘I’ll say this: when I went back in time, a lot of the Romans were stupid as hell. But they were still smarter than that bunch.’

Tony grinned. ‘Dr. LaChristie, I presume?’

She was pretty short – probably five feet tall exactly. She grinned at him though. ‘And you must be Tony Stark. Would you prefer Dr. Stark or Mr. Stark?’

‘Either.’ Tony shrugged. ‘It doesn’t bother me.’

LaChristie chuckled. ‘That’s a difference from _le singe dansant_.’

Agent Voclain stepped up and spoke up again. ‘I hate to break this up, Dr. LaChristie. I had Mr. Stark sign a NDA and told him about your community. He then suggested that Rogers intended to use your device to return to the 1940s.’

‘Yes,’ she said. ‘I rather got that impression.’

‘How?’ Tony asked. ‘Rogers isn’t the kind to just admit that he’s doing something for a selfish reason.’

‘No,’ the blond man with them said, ‘but he did have the gall to suggest that Gina didn’t know how to safely operate her own device and that she should turn it over to him.’

Gina LaChristie scoffed at that. ‘I thumped him for that one.’

Their large redheaded friend giggled. ‘He didn’t know what hit him!’ she exclaimed in delight.

‘Oh, that reminds me.’ Gina turned her head. ‘Zac, go and get me Getafix’s case.’

One of the other men darted off and was back in an instant, holding what looked like a primitively-made case. Gina took it from him and carried it over to one of the choppers. Tony, Voclain, and several others followed her. She opened the case. Inside, there were several bottles. They were primitive in design, but had stickers on the side with handwritten labels in modern French.

‘Getafix?’ Voclain asked.

‘That was the druid that mixed up the magic potion,’ Gina said. ‘And talked some sense into me when I was a reckless teenager.’

Tony was almost amused at the name. ‘The magic potion? That’s what they called it?’

‘To be fair,’ Gina said as she scanned the labels, ‘they didn’t have the scientific knowledge to understand what the formula was really doing to the body.’

Point taken.

‘Ah.’ Gina selected a container and turned to Voclain. ‘Getafix was worried that someone might find out about my device and either try to steal it, or rally other people to do it for them. He gave me several potions for just that instance. Now, I don’t doubt you’ll want to charge the Black Widow for espionage, so this potion will do the trick.’

‘What’s it do?’ Voclain asked, taking it from her.

‘Getafix called it the Tongue Stopper. Its effect is permanent and it paralyses the tongue if the recipient goes to divulge anything about any time travel devices.’

Tony cocked an eyebrow. ‘Does it stop them writing it?’

‘Druid, remember? No.’ Gina rubbed the bridge of her nose. ‘But the only other option is a potion that would wipe their memories clean of anything to do with time travel devices. And you want them to remember hacking in so you can charge them for it.’

‘You can still use that one,’ Tony said.

Gina looked over, surprised. ‘I can?’

‘Sure.’ Tony shrugged. ‘Romanoff hacks into so much that no one would believe her even if she insisted she didn’t. After all, she was the one responsible for the 2014 Data Dump.’

They stared at him for a moment.

Tony decided to add the bit that had always bothered him. ‘On top of that, none of them have ever had any trouble with Maximoff screwing around in other peoples’ heads. Might do them good to get a taste of their own medicine.’

Then Gina looked back at Voclain. ‘We’ll swap that over.’

***

Tony was still at Yaudet when the GDSE faxed over the contract for Tony to deal with the holes that Romanoff had gotten through. After he read and signed it, Gina allowed him to use one of the computers in her lab. Tony wasn’t overly impressed by what he saw when he started. Gina leaned over his shoulder and clicked her tongue.

‘Rude.’

‘I should say so.’

‘What?’ Voclain asked, walking over.

‘Romanoff got in through a series of holes that were intentionally put in your system.’ Tony pulled a face. ‘By S.H.I.E.L.D. Probably to make it easier for their hackers.’

Voclain nearly snarled. ‘ _Salauds_!’

‘Yeah.’ Tony immediately got to work repairing it. ‘Might be a good idea to contact every other intelligence agency out there and let them know so they can check their own systems for the same.’

Voclain nodded. ‘I’ll have DGSI contacted immediately.’

He moved off to do exactly that.

Gina leaned back. ‘My commendations, by the way, for putting up with that pack of brats for so long. I’ve seen childish behaviour before, but Obelix was childish in an endearing way.’

Tony chuckled. ‘You have no idea.’

‘No, I don’t imagine I do. Romanoff seemed to enjoy harping on about your ego, though. Might I enquire about what you saw through that portal during the Battle of New York?’

Tony froze for a moment, but then resumed his work. ‘Why do you ask?’

‘Because she kept on about how you kept talking about it, and they kept harping on about Ultron. I managed to get one of them to slip and admit Ultron was supposed to be a defensive program for the whole world. It leads me to believe that you expect another attack.’

Oh. Was that what it was like to have someone reasonable around? Still, Tony answered. ‘I saw an armada though there.’

Gina clicked her tongue. ‘So, the aliens you fought off were only a fraction of the infantry?’

‘Most likely.’

‘And they thought because they stopped them that they’d won the war?’ Gina scoffed. ‘Trust me, no army ever stops coming after you after trying once.’

‘Especially not when so little of them got through.’

‘ _Exactement_!’ Gina clicked her tongue. ‘Now, let’s see. We don’t exactly have a way of getting information about who might be attacking. And they’ve wasted four years. I think we need to get with all the other countries in the world and have a bit of a think tank.’

Tony grinned.

**Menez Hom, 2 Years Later**  
Tony wasn’t sure what was funnier.

On one hand, directly in front of him an overwhelmingly huge army had been beaten to a bloody pulp by the most of the adult population of the small town of Yaudet. They’d had teeth knocked out, they laid there counting stars, or they were just too stunned to move. And there was now a clump of the townspeople jumping up and down on Thanos himself, chanting loudly.

‘ _Dogpile sur le Titan_! _Dogpile sur le Titan_!’

Meanwhile, standing with him, was a group of gobsmacked people. Their eyes were bulged and their jaws were hanging open. Strange was the absolute least gobsmacked. He’d actually recovered quickly and then proceeded to use the Time Stone, so Tony didn’t doubt he knew why and how. Of course that was only after Thor arrived, ready to fight, had been shocked to see a bunch of humans absolutely whopping the army and demanded to know who they were.

‘Oh, yeah,’ Tony had said. ‘They’ve been here for about two thousand years.’

Strange had taken that as the cue to use the Time Stone and had done so. Fine by Tony. He was still bound to keep the NDA. He hadn’t even told Rhodey, Happy, or Pepper. But they were reasonable adults who understood what an NDA meant. So they hadn’t pushed.

Of course, then you had the Guardians of the Galaxy. They’d been so sure that Thanos would be nearly impossible to beat. And, apparently, there was a stigma in the wider universe which declared the people of Earth to be stupid. Which – hey! Rude. So they were shocked at the quick work the people of Yaudet were making of the Mad Titan.

Bruce was the best one though. ‘Uh...Tony...?’

He sounded like he was on the verge of a stroke.

‘Yes?’ Tony drawled.

‘Where...did you find them?’

Tony tutted and shook a finger at the other scientist. ‘Sorry, Brucey-Bear. I signed an NDA. You’ll probably find out later. Seeing as you’re seeing our good friends in action, the French government won’t want you spilling the beans either. I’ll let _them_ explain their Super-Awesome Secret Weapon.’

‘Is that what we are now?’ Gina asked, amused, as she hopped up onto the ledge they were all standing on, Thanos’s Gauntlet tucked under her arm.

‘Well,’ Strange stepped forward, ‘seeing as what your powers are, and the function you’ve served in the past, I can understand your government’s reluctance to share the information.’

‘Hm.’ Gina looked at him. ‘And you must be the Sorcerer Supreme?’

‘Yes. I am Dr. Strange.’

Gina inclined her head. ‘Dr. Strange...Dr. Stephen Strange?’

Strange pulled a face. ‘Yes.’

‘Oh, well. Life-changing injury. Perfect time to find a new skill.’ She took the Gauntlet from under her arm. ‘Can you get rid of these? They’re giving me the creeps.’

Strange looked amused but, with a wave of his hand, the five Infinity Stones in the Gauntlet disconnected and immediately launched upwards into space.

‘Thank you.’ Gina then promptly crushed the Gauntlet into her hands. Soon, it was no bigger than a ping-pong ball. She tossed it over her shoulder.

‘Who...are you?’ Thor asked.

Gina looked at him. She smirked and then she said something that made his eyes bulge and the Norse God drop to his knees:

‘We are the descendants of the Indomitable Gauls.’

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah, that time travel watch from the last story has turned out to be quite the MacGuffin.
> 
> Also, I found this piece on the difference between American Culture and French Culture. Given that it uses the countries' respective heroes to demonstrate that, I thought it was worth a mention here:
> 
> https://frenchcultureisnotlikeyours.tumblr.com/post/107537082300/ast%C3%A9rix-the-french-children-hero
> 
> ***
> 
> For those who don't speak French:
> 
>  _le singe dansant_ \- the dancing monkey
> 
>  _Salauds_ \- Bastards


End file.
